


memories will climb my spine, stealing everything that once was mine

by ApocalypticNinja



Category: Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I hc ratchet as autistic and I will die on this hill, M/M, Minor Character Death, Panic Attacks, not beta read we die like archival assistants, ratchet is going through a lot okay, the death is just mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:40:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26298814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ApocalypticNinja/pseuds/ApocalypticNinja
Summary: It was only a matter of time until Ratchet cracked. The overall well-being of bots rested on his shoulders and occasionally, it all becomes too much. All of the injured, the mechs who sobbed into his chest who knew they were passing, the ones who were tooyoungor the ones he called friends,lovers. The ones he didn't rescue in time, or the ones who went pliant in his arms, clutching onto him until their very last breath. Once fleeting memories now lingered in his mind, causing his optics to dimmer and his lips to tremble. He took a quivering breath and raised his drink to his lips, tentatively taking a sip. The only thought Ratchet could focus on was the image of a bot coated in his own energon, sobbing and begging to not receive death's embrace. He pleaded and clutched Ratchet's arms so tight he nearly winced. A sob escaped Ratchet, his drink slipping from his grasp as he crumbled to the floor.//sometimes you just take your favorite characters and have them become sparkmates. Sometimes you also crave some sweet sweet hurt/comfort for your favorite medic. So, naturally, a cuddle session filled with love ensues. I just get emotional over Ratchet, okay?//
Relationships: Ratchet/Skywarp/Starscream/Thundercracker (Transformers)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 30





	memories will climb my spine, stealing everything that once was mine

**Author's Note:**

> listen I just. Love Ratchet okay? hnnghghg...medic...p-pretty...  
> I just want him to know that he's loved! I also adore the seeker trine, so I _had_ to have them become sparkmates. Also, while writing this, I was listening to "Everything Falls Apart" by Rei Brown, and it's also where the title came from! :^) It highly reminds me of Ratchet, and honestly just TF in general. 
> 
> I don't know everything about Transformers; there's still a lot I need to learn! I also don't know all of the terminologies for mechs, I apologize. Please be patient with me! If you have any pointers, or anything to say, comments are always appreciated! I'll respond to all of them! :^)  
> I explained in my other fic, but I am an autistic gay transman and TF is a HUGE special interest of mine! I am currently watching G1 and Prime, and I am reading the MTMTE comics! :^) Alas, I am also a full-time college student, and I have a job. This is completely self-indulgent!! But if you're here, I hope you enjoy! <3 (oh one more thing: the golden mech mentioned is actually an oc of mine named Skyraider!)
> 
> WARNING(s): Panic attacks, mentions of violence/death/blood

The halls were always empty this late, the only sound echoing around him was the low rumble of his own engine and the near-silent thump of his steps. He dragged his feet as he walked, his movements sluggish. He stayed in the medbay long after his shift ended, despite the ushered attempts of First-Aid reminding him that he isn't some sort of god and he needed to _recharge dammit_ , the unspoken thought of _'you've been through a lot today, you really need to rest'_ hovered in the air around them. Ratchet merely waved him off, the air around them thick and filled with tension. He didn't trust his voice so he didn't utter a word; he ignored the way his optics ached and how the dull pain in the back of his mind became more insistent as time pressed on. First-Aid sighed and muttered to himself as he walked away for the fourth time. He didn't want to explain to First-Aid that he didn't deserve to rest, he needed to linger in case anyone needed him. He knew First-Aid was capable of handling things on his own- he proved so nearly a hundred times over- but nothing could clear Ratchet's spark of the feeling of dread that encased him. He wasn't enough in the past, but he swore to each and every mech he lost that it would never happen again. That he would be there for anyone that needed him, no matter the cost. Even if he dug himself an early grave in the process. 

' _You broke that promise earlier today_ ,' he thought bitterly, struggling to not think of how another bot was dead because of him.

Ratchet didn't notice when he stopped walking. He _did_ notice the lump in his throat along with the familiar sting in his optics as he frantically tried to think of anything but the memory of a golden mech covered in his own energon. That once smiling face grimacing as Ratchet desperately tried to stop the bleeding. Eventually hands clutched at Ratchet's face, energon smearing across his plating. The mech whispered how much he loved him, pleaded for him to not blame himself as his optics slowly went offline. Tears freely fell from his optics and Ratchet begged him not to leave, confessing his love to whoever may be listening while cursing Primus in the same breath. 

He shook head head, desperately trying to clear the memory away. It happened so long ago, but it feels like it was just yesterday. Every death remains fresh on his mind. From the moment he woke up, his day was dreadful day to begin with; but when a mech that was far too young to pass, let alone be stuck in the middle of a raging war, cried and clutched onto Ratchet's frame as he passed..Ratchet broke down. It didn't happen often, but months worth of tension, fear and pain finally started to seep out of his near perfectly constructed facade. He just wanted to get to his berth and lay down with his sparkmates. By now they should all be deep into recharge, so he should be able to slip in unnoticed and cuddle up to them. By the morning, he will be okay again. He will wake up in his sparkmates' embrace, their fields meshing together to create a space filled with love and serenity between the four of them. He would be okay as long as they were by his side.

The thought was almost enough to distract him when he entered the code to their berth, silently slipping inside. He would grab some energon before he laid down. Primus knows he didn't get the chance to today, so his reservoir was running low. He stole a glance at the berth, letting a small smile grace his features. His sparkmates were all huddled together, pressed firmly into one another's sides. Starscream was squished between Skywarp and Thundercracker while somehow managing to lay nearly on top of them in the process. Skywarp clutched firmly onto Starscream; Ratchet knew from experience that once Skywarp was asleep and he was holding onto you, there was no way you could escape. When he laid down to nap, arms circling around your frame and tugging you to lay with him, you had no choice but to nap too. One of Thundercracker's arms was pinned beneath both Starscream and Skywarp, and the other was outstretched on the berth beside him. In the morning, Ratchet knew Thundercracker would whine until Ratchet sleepily rubbed his sore arm, but wouldn't stop Starscream and Skywarp when they fell into his embrace later that night. It happened nearly every night, and each morning Thundercracker would pout until he laid between Ratchet's legs, huddled into his chest as Ratchet rubbed all of his sensitive wires to make him feel better. Thundercracker would fall into a state of not quite awake, but not yet in recharge either. His field would radiate comfort and joy, nearly lulling Ratchet back into recharge. Skywarp and Starscream were early risers, but Thundercracker liked to recharge as long as he could- and apparently liked to keep Ratchet as his own personal heater. He lost track of how many times he was nearly late, stumbling into the medbay with a not-so-subtle smile on his face. Ratchet would never admit it, but he cherished those moments. He knew he didn't have to say it aloud to his sparkmates, if their sleepy smiles and kisses were anything to go by. Currently, the berth was a mess of tangled limbs and rumbling frames and Ratchet really didn't want to disturb them.

As quietly as he could he snuck a cube of energon, frowning at the way his hands trembled. The glass was difficult to grasp, but he managed to not drop it nor spill the pink liquid inside it. Contrary to what many believed, Ratchet preferred his energon on the sweet side. Usually he would find comfort in the honeyed taste, but now all he could imagine was the pink energon that coated the frame of the young mech he didn't even know the name of. A minibot with so much potential. Ratchet remembered him mentioning that he wanted to become a medic. His breath caught as he momentarily offlined his optics, thinking of anything but the mech. However, his thoughts kept replaying the vivid memory of the mech sobbing, begging Ratchet to stay with him. He had no one else; he was utterly alone and terrified. He was a deception surrounded by autobots, but Ratchet knew that no other con would spare him a second thought. It was the mech's first time on the battlefield, and he brokenly told Ratchet he didn't want to fight, he wanted to help others. Joining the cons was a last resort. This didn't matter to Ratchet- he was a mech that needed help, so he did what he could in the middle of the raging battlefield before transporting him to their base. He kept him stable for a while, but suddenly his systems dropped and everything went wrong. It turns out he took Synthen and was having a terrible drop from coming down- it was too much for his systems to handle and sent him into a state of shock. In a panic, he flailed around and re-opened some of his deepest wounds, causing Ratchet to rush over but it was far too late. The mech was whimpering, tears streaking down his face as his gaze locked onto Ratchet. He pleaded and clutched Ratchet's arms so tight he nearly winced. The mech was frightened, trapped in an unfamiliar place surrounded by the very bots that put him in this situation. Ratchet never even got his name before suddenly his eyes grew dim, his grip weakened until his hands fell. Ratchet stared in stunned silence, flinching when First-Aid gently grasped his shoulder. He hadn't cried then, but he promised the mech he wouldn't let him die. He promised him a life with the autobots, a life where he would be treated as family, a life _worth living_. Not even minutes after he made that promise, the mech died in his arms.

A sob escaped Ratchet, his drink slipping from his grasp as he crumbled to the floor. Everything was suddenly too much, the quiet room suffocating him. The only thing Ratchet could hear was the broken wails of all the mechs he had failed, their cries and whimpers of " _please_ " and " _why?_ " echoing in his mind. He failed them, he failed them all, hundreds of broken promises he knew deep down he couldn't keep but it hurt all the same. 

He didn't notice the way his sparkmates were startled awake, instantly on alert, thinking that Ratchet was injured. 

Blearily, Ratchet looked at his hands, which were suddenly shining with energon that wasn't his. No matter how many times he blinked, he couldn't clear the vivid color from his hands. He offlined his optics and balled his hands into fists, his breath coming out in choked sobs. He couldn't breath. He started to panic, his chest constricting and feeling far too tight. Shards of glass lodged themselves in his hand, but Ratchet didn't notice the burning pain. He pressed his arms tightly to his chest and he moved until his back was pressed against something solid. He heard someone calling his name, but it sounded far away, like someone was yelling at him from across a field. He whimpered, shaking his head and attempting to make himself as small as possible. His legs were drawn up to his chest, his knees covering his arms and his head fell atop them. 

Starscream's optics widened as he noticed Ratchet on the floor, quickly hopping up from the berth and rushing over to him. He called his name, but got no response. Energon flowed from his hand rather quickly, causing fear to course through him. He noticed the energon mixed with shattered glass pooling around Ratchet; he probably had some lodged in his hand. His brows knitted together with concern. 

"Thundercracker, go grab a medkit," 

"What? Is he- oh Primus" 

Thundercracker saw energon and didn't know what it was from. All he knew was that Ratchet was on the floor with energon surrounding him. He fled to retrieve the medkit and Skywarp appeared with a thick blanket. He kneeled next to Starscream, noticing the way Ratchet's frame trembled. They both desperately wanted to reach out and hold him, to tell him that everything was alright. But they knew not to immediately touch him; they wanted him to let them know that it was okay. Right now, they focused on verbally trying to get him out of his head. Starscream focused on radiating _warmth_ and _comfort_ through his field to combat the _sorrow_ and _anguish_ in Ratchet's.

Ratchet heard his name being called once more by a familiar voice. It wasn't the voices of the dead, filled with anger and blame, but instead it was like a wave of relief. The back of his mind screamed that it was his fragging sparkmate, but he couldn't connect that to his rational thoughts just yet. Blearily, Ratchet lifted his head and hiccuped down a sob. Through the tears he noticed his three sparkmates around him, watching him with worry-filled optics. 

"Hey sweetspark," Starscream whispered "Is it okay if I touch your arm?" Starscream reached out for him to show what he meant, but didn't touch him yet. He wanted to bring Ratchet down, not trigger a need to escape. He knows the feeling all too well.

Ratchet blinked, taking a moment to think of the question. His mind was fuzzy and he couldn't quite focus, his breathing was still ragged but it was becoming easier to gulp down air. He shook his head and opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. He shook his head again, offlining his optics for a moment and croaked out "not yet." 

Starscream retracted his hand as Skywarp worriedly kneaded the blanket in his grasp. He hasn't seen Ratchet like this before, so he didn't exactly know what to do. He knew how to take care of his other sparkmates- after all, for the longest time it was only them- so instead he watched Starscream. He watched the way Starscream was transfixed on their sparkmate, his optics flickering across his body for nonverbal cues of how he was feeling.

Ratchet's memories were slowly fading. He was here, Starscream, Skywarp, and Thundercracker were all sitting in front of him. He wasn't on the battlefield, or in the medbay. He wasn't coated in another mech's energon, and he didn't have a dying mech in his grasp. He was with his sparkmates. He was safe. His mind was still screaming at him, memories still threatening to resurface, but he was going to be okay. 

After a moment Ratchet took a shuddering breath and whispered Starscream's name, and Starscream knew that it was okay to reach out for him. Sometimes Ratchet just needed a moment to get out of his mind and gather his bearings. Starscream gently wiped away Ratchet's tears before pulling him into an embrace. Ratchet clutched onto Starscream, hiding his head in the crook of his neck. He tried to mimic Starscream's breathing and focused on the warmth that was radiating from his sparkmate's fields. He felt another hand gingerly grasp his own that was filled with glass, slowly beginning to take the shards out and bandage his hand. He didn't know who was doing it and honestly couldn't bring himself to look. His hand burned, but he couldn't really process it at the moment. He knew it was happening, but everything felt..fake. He hiccuped again, trying to regulate his breathing. He felt a blanket suddenly drape across his shoulders and a kiss on his head. His field mingled with his sparkmates' and he finally began to breath again. He felt more than heard Starscream's sigh of relief. Thundercracker finished patching up his hand, following up with a kiss to each of his fingers and lastly his palm. Ratchet peeked over Starscream's shoulder to find Thundercracker looking at him, shooting him a warm smile. Starscream was gently raking his claws up and down his back, repeatedly pressing kisses anywhere he could reach, which made Ratchet finally crack a smile. His head was a little fuzzy, but he had his bearings. 

"I hate to break up this tender moment, but I think our berth would be a lot warmer than the floor" Skywarp announced and Starscream snickered. 

Ratchet lifted his head and kneeled back, grasping the blanket and pulling it around him. "I dunno, I think the floor is quite cozy" Ratchet answered 

Starscream rolled his optics. "Well, my knees are killing me and we've been kneeling in this sickly-sweet energon you drink for nearly forty-five minutes!" Starscream had a playful glint in his optics, no real malice in his voice

Ratchet suddenly looked away. "I..Sorry about," He stuttered out "...dropping the glass."

Starscream hushed him and helped him stand. His legs felt numb and his limbs felt like they weren't connected to his body. He didn't feel like himself, but he was alright. 

"Hush, I was only teasing. Go lay down, I'll join you guys shortly. I'm going to clean this up."

Ratchet opened his mouth to respond, but Starscream only captured his lips in a kiss. "Shoo" 

Skywarp tugged him to the berth, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him down. Thundercracker quickly cuddled up to them, and Starscream was quick to follow. Ratchet ended up in the middle of _his_ seekers, all of them touching him in some way. Skywarp pressed against his back and hugged his middle while Thundercracker clung onto his side. Starscream insisted on becoming their blanket, unapologetically stretching out across them all. He covered them all in a ridiculous amount of blankets as well. Ratchet was surrounded by the warmth of his sparkmates, their fields intermingling with so much love Ratchet's spark ached for all the right reasons. Even when he wasn't feeling like himself, he knew things would be okay. His sparkmates were here for him, and he would always be here for them.

That was a promise he vowed to keep.


End file.
